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One of the simple but major reason we hate/dislike people is – They are not like us. Our mind is not willing to accept the very simple fact that They are different @ Mahendra Kapady.
Real Experience –
The new guy joined our club and started performing few roles, participating in some activities. Suddenly for no reasons my mind started producing uninspiring thoughts. The guy is not so good, you can outperform him, he seems show off, the guy is no good in front of you, what makes him think that he can do good than you. This kept happening for 2-3 occasions.
At one end my mind was producing all these negative stories and feeding my brain, trying to convince him but somewhere at some part of my mind (maybe heart & soul) I was quite calm, composed. As I was continuing breathing slowly I observed my negative emotions. I was there, still but confused, asking myself – Why this happening? He is a new guy, joined the club to improve himself just like I did a year back. This is the fact! He is no good no bad than me but just a human, a learning oriented person like me. So, why mind is producing all this rubbish? Why I am feeling uneasy inside? Why I am getting thoughts of envy, competition and hatred? Why all this nonsense? I don’t want this!
For about 2 Sundays, I watched him performing & getting better at what he is doing. He was excelling fabulously. Then I decided something needs to be done. I just can’t be sitting here and see him performing good. The next thing I did was – I went straight to him put tap on his shoulders and said Well done! You are doing great buddy. You are doing much better than me when I joined the club , keep it up I would love to see something more from you. The guy said thank you for feedback and we became good buddies after that. I kept appreciating him for his improvements and pushed him to take bigger roles. You know to my surprise the thoughts of Criticism, envy, hatred, competition haven’t touched my soul after that.
This experience was not something that was planned or sometime I was looking for but I feel great that it happened. Its not only with me but its happening with most of us, but somehow I noticed it rather than getting flown with those de-energizing thoughts. somehow cautiously I took the right steps (which were difficult but needed) rather than which are obvious. So, I decided to pen down my thoughts in alignment with that experience.
Why we hate & Why We dislike?
Our mind has a familiarity index in my philosophical sense. The more the familiar things, the more we are comfortable and relaxed out there. The moment we walk into unknown or forced/pushed into unknown our mind start producing the thoughts or scenarios which would take us back to familiar place or the comfort zone. It can eb people, things or scenarios. The whole intent of the thoughts of hatred, dislike, uneasiness is to pull you back to your original place, to keep you safe. Therefore, you always have an inclination, soft corner for people who dress like you, someone who look like you, think like you and act like you. But people who are different there is always a feeling of hatred, disliking or nonacceptance. That’s why it takes time to be friends. It not the person has changed over the period of time but your mind has become familiar to him/her over the period and accentuated the goodness in him. The familiarity is good but its keeps you safe at the place where you always been but does not help you to explore & take leap into unknown.
The context –
When we see something unknown, the being or the thing, we start feeling uneasy either hatred or disliking for no reasons. Why? We always hate or dislike something that we either don’t know or we don’t understand.
The feeling arises mostly due to our unwillingness of acceptance, inability to understand or insecurity to reach/be equivalent to that person. It can be any of 3 nothing else.
But when we try to connect and go through that person we get to know that we live in all assumptions and perception about that human, without knowing reality of that person. The reality sometimes is quite extreme, strikingly radical than our vague opinions, false thinking & baseless assumptions, which may even bring you feeling you shame if you are willing to observe, acknowledge them very honestly.
Sometimes we see the person not what He/She is but through the eyes of our envy, our pain, our ego, our insecurities & our in-capabilities. Now there are 2 people. One is the real person and one created by your mind to prove how you are superior than him. And your cannot see an inch beyond the glasses of belief. Its very obvious what you see. So, we completely forget the real person behind the person that we have created in our inner world.
The same happen with relations. We hate or dislike the person because we do not see him just as person rather we see him what we want (what we expect for us) in that person and by any way we find he/she is not good for our expectations then we start hating for no reasons but defend them very intellectually by our brain.
The ways to resolve –
I lived about a decade of my life (my teenage to early 20s) in that way before I noticed my emotions and started observed my thoughts.I am work in progress. I don’t have any acute or perfect solution for this but I do have something which worked/works the very best for me & I still employ that in my life every time I come across the situations. These are few suggestions –
- Observe your emotions and breathe slowly!
- Acknowledge your negative emotions, feeling of discomfort with your circle of trust open heartedly without any modulating of the truth.
- See the beings, things,events & situations the way they are! Not the way you want them to be!
- Do the thing which is difficult but ethically right, inspiring!
- Appreciate, Praise the person. Open you hand, heart for the conversation.
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